It was for freedom from myself and from the land

So I've been thinking hard and wondering what to do with these six weeks (apart from housework :D which I strangely enjoy). Initially I wanted to do something big, something life changing like shawn from the uncultured project, and out of the many excuses of why I can't the most true reason is that I'm not ready yet. I don't think I am mature enough to go out on my own yet, I still need time (as silly as it may seem).

I thought harder, why is it that I think I am not mature enough? What is it about myself that I keep on feeling I lack? I always have this nagging feeling inside of me, as if I'm missing something.

I made a lot of mistakes, in my mind, in my mind.

And then I realised, it is something I am very aware of but have always tried so hard to ignore, as if it's just a small matter. But the sad fact is that it's the biggest thing in my life, bigger than any exam, bigger than even loving music. I have drifted away from Allah.

Not only Allah, but the very essence of my being. And I'm not talking about a 'I don't believe any more' thing but a 'I believe but don't practice as well as I should' sort of problem. There are a lot of things I need to follow, which I don't, simply because I don't think I have time or I'm too 'busy' doing something else.

Well, no more. I have time and I don't have anything else to do. No more excuses.

I can't remember who it was, but there was a lecture by a mathmatician on the Quran and Allah. And he said that to become closer to someone we need to have something in common with them. So to become closer to Allah, to generate more love between us, I need to try to have something in common with Allah.

You know there's nowhere else
I've wanted to be
Than be there when you need me
I'm sorry too
But don't give up on me

The same person said that the following were traits of Allah, and were traits we should try to follow to become not only better people but to increase the love of God in us:

1. Peace
2. Truth
3. Compassion
4. Mercy
5. Forgiving
6. Just
7. Protective
8. Defend
9. Knowledge
10. Wisdom
11. Generous
12. Love

These are obviously attributes that cannot develop over night, or even in six weeks, but if I never begin I will never gain them. Before I can try to fix the lives of others I need to stabilise myself. So during this holiday, I will try to work towards these goals. I will take my first steps to become closer to Allah and fend of any distractions that will present themselves to me.

They are hard things to work towards, harder than they seem at least. I get angry easily, I'm not as forgiving as I seem, I rather laze around than gain knowledge I need, I'm stingy and a miser, I rather avoid drama than defend anyone, I am only protective of a select few, I am full of mistakes I never learn from, I am reluctant to love fully, I am biased, I am troubled, I am human. But when I take this step at least I will be trying.

And I am convinced, once I do this the inner peace I long for will start to bud.

i hit as hard as i can
with my nose
jumping into a puddle
wearing no boots
completely soaked (dripping wet)
wearing no boots
and i get a nosebleed
but i'll always stand up again